Million Dollar Arm, Five Cent Head

So I was watching a brawl, and a baseball game broke out.

The post’s title is courtesy of Dave McCarty, who was describing the enigma that is Daniel Cabrera. I watched the fracas on both the MASN and NESN feeds, and as best as I can tell, here’s a breakdown…

Daniel “Danny Boy” Cabrera didn’t seem to enjoy Coco Crisp’s bunt attempt in the fourth, as I deduced from the glare he shot at Coco. He definitely didn’t enjoy Coco dancing and darting around behind him on third, as I deduced from his balky movements on the mound. And he most definitely did not enjoy the balk the home plate ump issued him, or having to watch Coco cross home plate for a score. So, angered at his own pitching performance and his own drawing a balk, he naturally… buzzed Dustin Pedroia’s head. Of course he did!

But why do opposing pitchers always need to take their anger out on lil’ Dusty P?

Oh, right, it’s because Pedro is about waist-high. But we’ve all seen Mighty Mouse get scrappy. We also know he is fighting way above his weight class. And he’s demonstrated that he’s not afraid to risk his life. I’m not sure that anyone should be buzzing Scrappy Doo. I think it’s only a matter of time before that ticking time bomb explodes on some random Devil Ray or Mariner… and it ain’t gonna be pretty. I have full confidence Dusty P can handle himself in a fight.

But back to the events of this evening. In quick summary: Coco tries to bunt. Danny Boy glares. Coco gets on. Coco gets to third. Danny Boy balks. Coco trots home. Danny Boy pitches BEHIND DUSTY P’S HEAD. Tito leads the charge of the Sox bench clearing. O’s bench follows. Ump issues a warning (!) to Danny Boy and benches. Danny Boy is held back. Some wiseacre on Sox bench* compliments Danny Boy on his pitch selection**. O’s catcher Hernandez goes ballistic and starts pinwheeling directionless haymaker arms. Danny Boy shoves his way out of the ump’s grasp, untucks his jersey and politely requests that someone spar with him.*** Benches empty in full force. Bullpen guys jump the outfield wall (!) when they can’t find the exit door. Julian Tavarez plays peacemaker (?). Danny Boy gets the boot. Kevin Cash (??) gets the boot****. Orioles get shut out and go home losers all around.*****

* My money was on Beckett, but inside sources tell me it was Papelbon.
** And by that I mean, cusses him out Beckett-Joba style.
*** And by that I mean, tells the Sox players to bring it on MF.
**** Does this mean Kevin Cash has a filthy mouth? Color me intrigued.
***** Except Kevin Millar, of course.

The NESN postgame video of the fracas:

Let’s not forget:

* Jacoby Ellsbury has a gorgeous face-smashing catch up against the outfield wall in left. It’s awesome stuff… just please don’t break your pretty face, darlin’.

* Kevin Youkilis broke the AL record with 179 consecutive appearances playing first base without an error (thank goodness the official scorer didn’t rule that Lester-Youk mixup as an E against Youk).

* Former Sock Kevin Millar made his 475th plate appearance on the year, thus guaranteeing a contract with the Orioles for next season.

* Roger Clemens next start could come as soon as September 16th… in Fenway Park against the Red Sox. Things could get interesting.