Oh My Sweet Lord

As I reported yesterday, there was a Red Sox dance-off for charity earlier this evening in Ft. Myers. Jonathan Papelbon, Dustin Pedroia, Mike Lowell and Alex Cora partnered with pro ballroom dancers as part of the “Dancing with the All-Stars” benefit for the Mike Lowell Foundation and Red Sox Foundation. But the majestic reality of this event is so much better than I could possibly have imagined.

I… just… words fail me.

So many questions. Is that “DADDY” written on Dustin’s chest in Sharpie? Why did Mike Lowell get away with wearing a normal outfit? Where in the hell did Papelbon get that “shirt” (and I use that term very loosely)? For that matter, where did he get the belt? And why does it look like he’s really enjoying wearing that shirt and belt?

And of course, I have video for you:

A little more information:

Each player was paired with a professional dance partner who, in two hours, taught merengue and salsa steps that usually take two weeks to master. The event was Cuban-themed to celebrate Lowell’s heritage.

It didn’t take long for his teammates to lighten the mood, beginning with Papelbon, whom [sic] came out in a black lace top — a hard look for any dancer to pull off, not to mention one with a build like the intimidating Red Sox closer.

Pedroia came out and proceeded to rip off his shirt while dancing his best.

Red Sox manager Terry Francona attended the event, while teammates Jason Varitek, Tim Wakefield, Josh Beckett, Javier Lopez, Sean Casey and Jacoby Ellsbury all provided emotional support and some unbiased judging during the nerve-wracking dancing contest.

I can only imagine what kind of “emotional support” and “unbiased judging” those guys had to offer… especially stoic Jason Varitek and Josh “F-Bomb” Beckett. I’m thinking “support” = “mocking”, and “judging” = “more mocking”. And it comes as no surprise that the self-proclaimed Gun Show Pedroia ripped off his shirt at the first available opportunity.

Tito and Pedroia weigh in:

“[Papelbon's shirt] was terrible,” Pedroia said. “I thought my body pulled it off, and his didn’t. That’s my personal opinion. A lot of women, they loved it.”

Pedroia threw his shirt to owner John Henry, nearly killing manager Terry Francona in the process.

“I thought I was going to have a heart attack,” Francona said. “My chest hurt, I was laughing so hard. Pedroia is a moron. You can write that. He is a moron. He was dancing, he looked like a puppet on a string. He’s such a little gamer, but he’s looking over knowing we were crushing him. He’s drinking the Red Bull. He’s exhausted. He’s trying to do these things with this girl he’s not strong enough to do. It was hilarious.

“They showed me something getting up on that stage, because I guarantee they were scared to death.”