You Know How I Know You’re Lame?

You write an article called “8 Reasons Baseball is Lame and Boring”. Which is basically a complete ripoff of this article, except without the creativity and skill and humor. So, basically, just a poorly written unoriginal boring ripoff.

I would spend the time tearing the “article” apart, but why do that when the Fire Joe Morgan guys have already done so (and with much more panache than I could anyway). To wit:

On-base percentages, opponent on-base plus slugging percentages, sabermetrics … Alan Greenspan might enjoy crunching the numbers, but for those of us who’d rather leave our brains at work, the cold-beverage-intake-to-bladder-outflow ratio makes a whole lot more sense.

Bra. Seriously, bra. Fuck these nerds. For serious. True story, bra — I’m at the game yesterday. I’m wasted. Seriously, bra, I’ve had like eleven brews. I’m there with my boy Donnie — awesome guy. Solid guy. The papers call him the “Laundry Room Rapist.” So Donnie’s like, “Bra, you want another one?” And I’m like, “Shitchyea, dude! I ain’t driving!” And Donnie’s all, “Bra, you are driving, remember?” And I was like, “Ohhhh shit!” And we high-five, right?

So basically everything was awesome. We were crushing it, bra. And then, this little fucking nerd in front of us is like, “Can you be careful? You’re spilling beer on my daughter’s head,” and I’m like, “Whatever dude — it’s a ballgame. Shut up and enjoy the ride!” and he’s like, “Just try to be more considerate,” and then his little nerd son is like, “Daddy, look, Manny’s up!” and his nerd dad is like, “Let’s go Manny!” and his nerd son is like, “His batting average is down to .288″ and that’s when I just lost it, bra. Those fucking nerds and their numbers. So I pull my rod out — you know, because I have to piss, right? — and the guy is all, “Hey! You can’t do that here!” and I’m like, “Sorry, nerdbra, the only statistic I care about is how many brewskis I’ve had and how much piss I’ve pissed” and the next thing you know security is dragging me out and they’re all like, “You’re banned for life” and I’m like, “Bra, what the hell?” and they’re like “You pulled your penis out and urinated at your seat and there’s vomit on your forearm, and also you can’t smoke in the stadium, and your friend is wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants,” and I’m like “He’s Donald Ducking it, bra — it’s classic!” and they’re like, “Get out of here and never come back.”

And that’s when I realized: nerds have ruined baseball.

Marry me, Mose Schrute. Er, Ken Tremendous.