Assimilation
The Josh Beckett quest for assimilation of the Red Sox pitchers into one long assembly line of BeckettClones continues.
Beckett’s first clone, and his pride and joy, was Jon Lester. The proliferation of necklaces. The talk of “executing pitches.” The hunting in the offseason. The bad taste in fashion. The even worse taste in facial hair. Even the curiously Southern-sounding speech coming from the mouth of a guy who grew up in the Pacific Northwest. LesterClone is truly a Beckett masterpiece.
It’s gotten so that unless the trademark Lester ears are clearly visible, you can’t be certain if it’s Josh or Jon you’re looking at.
But Josh Beckett was not content with just one BeckettClone. In fact, he won’t be satisfied until he’s conquered the entire rotation – and possibly the bullpen (or until he figures out that the native tongue of Japan is not Spanish). Clay Buchholz? Necklaces piled-high, bad fashion, bad facial hair and talks about executing pitches. Brad Penny? Practically makes moonpie eyes while gazing at Josh, and emulating his every move (except the pitching great part). Michael Bowden? Already under Beckett’s training.
And don’t look now, but Justin Masterson may be next.
Buried inside an innocuous AP article about the Celtics-Bulls game tonight was this little tidbit:
Red Sox pitchers Josh Beckett, Jon Lester and Justin Masterson attended the game.
They’re taking him on fieldtrips now. If Justin shows up the next time to pitch, and he’s got eight necklaces stacked around his neck, a dip can shoved in his back pocket, and says “y’all” and “executing pitches”… we’ll all know the Stepford Ballplayer transformation has been a success.
In the meantime, let’s enjoy Justin one last time pre-cloning– talking with NESN about the Celtics game, and his wife wearing a Celtics jersey.
The best part is the “executing pitches”. I cracked up when I heard Lester say that the other night.
i thought they looked very similiar after the game. how cute. like when you’re in elementary school-you and your best friend dress alike. aawww
This post makes me LOL so hard. Because it’s all so very true.
Although partial blame for this assimilation goes to the Red Sox organization itself; it’s my understanding that they’re actively pushing their young pitchers to emulate His Joshness. So maybe it’s the Red Sox who want to build a whole clone army of Becketts. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
Penny was already a redneck so I just think he’s reverting back to form. As for the others … yeah, there’s some truth.
OMG. Love this post. There will be BeckettClones all through our rotation and the bullpen. They aren’t going to win fashion shows, but they sure are going to win games and kick ass!
@Ian: I LOLed at Lester’s “execute pitchers” talk as well. Blah, blah, blah…execute pitches…yadda, yadda, yadda. Fantastic!
@mouse: And I consider that to be a very good thing. Who wouldn’t want as many Josh Beckett’s as possible…well maybe not the Angels, but I think every other team would be signing up STAT.
Yikes! It better not turn out like “Heathers”!
Seriously though, Buchholz could give up pitching and work full time trying to cultivate Beckett’s mojo and it is just not going to happen. Ever. I look at him and I think…Jethro. I am sorry. And his five whiskers do not qualify as facial hair, no matter how many models he dates or marries.
@mermaidmarian: I don’t think Beckett’s in any danger, unless Lester starts throwing right-handed of all a sudden. (Now there’s a freaky thought: a switch pitcher.)
As for Beckett’s grand plans, I think they definitely stop at the starting rotation. He’s only working on Masterson now that he’s a starter. The bullpen is like Camelot from The Holy Grail—’tis a silly place. Beckett has no clue what to do with a bullpen pitcher; I don’t think he can conceive of a one-inning outing. He’d probably have better success explaining “executing pitches” to an alien than rubbing off on the bullpen.
Jon’s left ear will not be assimilated!
@lone1c: Did you hear about the switch hitter facing the ambidextrous pitcher last year?
haahaaa…hysterical post, Texy. I’ve laughed when I’ve heard Lester “executing pitches.” Great side-by-side photos–really shows the
I heart Masterson, he seems like the nicest person.
@fc: No, I didn’t. Thanks for the link—I feel for those poor umps! (They blew the call, though—the pitcher should have had to decide which way to throw first.)
And yes, Lester’s ear, like Wakefield, is Borg-proof.
(And does this make Beckett the “Borg King?”)
I don’t think Masterson will come under the Beckett-trance…he’s much too nice and sweet. Course I’ve been wrong before…but I’m not sure if Beckett does the recruiting or if he’s just throwing down some Hot Buck Scent ( http://www.wildlife.com/Products/HuntingScents/BigGameAttractantsProductDetails/tabid/85/ProductID/68/Default.aspx ) to keep the boys coming around.
Done. Officially in love with Justin Masterson. Officially.
Noooooooo, Josh! You can’t have Masterson too.
@Tex19: You have just discovered the secret… HOT BUCK SCENT.
@Tex19: Fanfreakintastic! I note that Hot Buck Scent is, “Highly effective, both as the season works its way towards the rut, and during the rut”, which I think probably doesn’t refer to an All Star slump.
@lone1c: WORD! That’s all I have to say about the Buchholz comment, and you said it way better than I could.
I adore Josh, but a Beckett-ized Materson? Do Not Want. He can emulate his success on the mound, but the rest of it? No thank you. I hope he stays in the bullpen like he’s been doing.
I think Becks will leave the bullpen to Paps, which…really isn’t any less scary.
@Clarity: I agree. Masterson is totally awesome just the way he is.
@Clarity: You are right, Pap being the guru in the bullpen is no less scary…at all. But it is hilarious. It’s completely obvious when they do Comcast segments with Pap and he brings some of the bullpen crew…mainly MCD, Javi and Justin…that there is often the sense that those boys just desperately want Pap to think they are cool.
As for Justin…I don’t think we’ll see him wearing incredibly fashion backward shirts, a million bajillion necklaces and some off-fitting facial hair anytime soon.
Who knows though…maybe Becks will take him on a “hunting trip” and Masty will come back as a full member of the bro-alliance pitching cult.
@Clarity: I think Becks will leave the bullpen to Paps, which…really isn’t any less scary.
bwaahaaahaahaaaa…that is so true. I love Paps because he’s nuts.
I love the idea of BeckettClones! Although I don’t think his fashion sense is that bad. Most of the time.
Side note: Masterson spoke to the Celtics before the game and they won. Can we arrange to have him do this before every game?
Lester is officially Beckett-ized, lets just hope its the 07 form. :)
I knew you’d be all over this. I gasped out loud when Lester said “execute pitches”. And he obviously got that shirt from Beckett’s closet.
OMG, the whole post was spot-on. Brad Penny comment…hysterical!
Great post Texy! I thought I was listening to Beckett on the post-game show the other day and was so confused because I knew Lester had pitched. Beckett’s even got Lester trained to take his new wife hunting. Talk about far-reaching assimilation.
Justin’s going to need a much bigger car than his Mini Cooper clown car if he’s going to be the next Beckett. And a much nastier vocabulary. He’ll also have to his wicked sense of humor down a notch too!
Great post Texy! I could have sworn I was listening to Beckett as Lester was talking after his game the other night. And Beckett’s reach is pretty far – he even got Lester to take his new wife hunting with him. That’s power.
Justin is going to have to lose the Mini Cooper clown car and get a much BIGGER car, gain a much nastier vocabulary and take his wicked sense of humor down a notch if he’s going to turn into a Beckett clone.
Hey, Lester has always had that accent. I specifically remember him having that curious accent back in an interview in 2005, when he was an exciting minor league prospect, pre-Beckett.