Me, too, Papyboo - me, too. That cutter needs a little more work, darlin'.

He may not be working for the Cubs anymore, but the stink of Dusty Baker still lingers in the air. Remember last year, when Dusty got rid of lovely Todd Walker (yes, I'm biased) to the Pads because his favorite little pet Neifi Perez played the same infield positions? Heaven forfend that Dusty's pet not get optimum playing time! And then Todd never fit in San Diego and got traded to the A's and got cut and eventually retired from baseball this year, so we'll never be able to see his loveliness on the diamond again? Yes, I blame Dusty for all of that. Rationality need not come into this.

Turns out Dusty's pet is a juicer (stimulizer... whatever!) -- and just got himself a 25-game suspension as the first MLB player to get popped under the new drug policy.

So thanks, again, Dusty- for dropping this:

in favor of this*:

Pardon me, but was that just the freakin' MACARENA I heard playing over the PA system at Coors Field during the Rockies-Phillies game? Surely that can't be. Surely they are not still playing that monstrosity twelve years after it was culturally "relevant" (and that relevance is debatable).

No. No. No. Don't do that, ballparks. Don't kill our souls with "Macarena" and "Everybody Clap Your Hands" and "Hot Hot Hot". This is yet another reason why Wrigley rules all: organ music only, never "YMCA" or "Chicken Dance".

The Phillies don't just win ballgames, they save the grounds crew at Coors Field from CERTAIN DEATH -- jumping out of the dugout to help get that nasty, wind-whipped tarp under control. The entire team, including Adam Eaton (the starting pitcher) and all the rest of the starters, joined the fray without even being asked... and got a standing ovation from the crowd afterwards.

Meanwhile, all of the Rockies (save LaTroy Hawkins) chilled out in the dry clubhouse. Classy.

The Home Run Derby is just about to start, and love it or hate it, every single one of the 8 guys competing is a cutie. Of course, I have to back my own personal favorite Justin Morneau for the win -- but all of them are nice to look at.

I like David Wright's ideas for the Derby -- including more points for opposite field homers, and requiring a teammate to pitch to you.

The closest I've come to baseball nirvana happened in the 8th inning of the All-Star game last night, when Papyboo and Bacon Pants faced off against each other. Mano a Mano. Ultimately, Papelbon would be the winner, striking out Rowand after a fierce battle. So I was both deliriously happy, and horribly disappointed -- much like when A&M and OU face off every year in football.

For that reason, if nothing else, you will never hear me bitch about the All-Star Game. Any event that gives me an excuse to see my two favorite ballplayers square off is an event I support.

Best part of the exchange: "Stare of Slingblade into the plate."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
*big gasping intake of breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

They deserve a lot worse- like a punishment with some ACTUAL bite- but I'll take the horrific embarrassment of an entire season forfeit. It's no SMU death penalty, but it's a whole hell of a lot of egg on their face.

We're officially past the halfway point of the baseball season. When October arrives, only one team will win it all, and the rest will be sent home sad (some sooner than others, REDS).

But this isn't October- it's July. And in July, like in Little League, everyone's (still) a winner. So just like Little League, I'm gonna give out awards to someone or something on every team. Everyone takes home a trophy!

Continue reading »

Congratulations go out to Julio Lugo- who successfuly brought himself up to a .201 average over his last few games. For that, I'm giving him the first honorary Mr. Mendoza recognition.

May you never fall below the Mendoza Line again, Julio!

Step 1: sleep in until 10 am.
Step 2: have a beer.
Step 3: take a shower.
Step 4: have a beer.
Step 5: get dressed (Todd Walker shirt? nope. Michael Barrett shirt? nope. Ryan Theriot shirt? YES!)
Step 6: have a beer.
Step 7: friends come over, watch Baseball Tonight while shooting the shit and having a Maker's.
Step 8: go to Murphy's.
Step 9: have 3 rounds of Maker's.
Step 10: go to left field bleachers.
Step 11: PROFIT.

10,000

Not today, my friends.

1. Great game. It was WAY hotter in the bleachers than the weatherman said, but who cares... the beers were just as tasty. The grass in CF was a little destroyed, thanks to The Police.

2. Yes, please. Dear Jesus, I've been a (mostly) very good girl- can I have just this one wish?

3. Bye, bye Pie - and hello faux-Italian-sounding Geovany Soto, who can't hit for shit, apparently. The new "golden child" from Iowa better learn how to take that .344 from AAA and convert it to better than 0-fer-5 in the Big Leagues. ZAMBRANO got 2 hits today.... ZAMBRANO.

4. 2-4, huh? That 18 bajillion dollars is definitely turning out to be a super decision.

5. No one cares. Seriously. No matter how few items of clothing he and his wife wear.

6. A little "yippee!" for Barb- her guy is coming back to Indy.

7. Ouch. Good to know he was so shaken up, he still managed to take his next throw.

8. OUCHOUCHOUCH. Think he sang "Fly Eagles Fly" as they carted him to the hospital?

And in the nine-hole, the pitcher's slot:

9. This looks really interesting.

You're a Red Sox player. You just made the All-Star Team. Your club flies you and your other all-star teammates to San Francisco for the festivities. What do you do? If you're Jonathan Papelbon, you go crazy and celebrate with a Bud (heavy) and a wicked game of cribbage with Mike Lowell.

I love that tie and shirt combo.

All credit to Barstool Sports for the picture- those sneaky devils.

The great thing* about Fox taking over baseball on Saturdays (other than that awesome pitcher cam, where they zoom in real tight on the ball inside the pitcher's glove, so you can watch his grip adjustments and see his delivery) is that they get players to deliver the starting lineups for the teams.

Today, it was Rich Hill's turn to do the lineup for the Cubs, and he decided to speak the entire thing in character as Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. It was pretty sweet.

* I am still pissed, though, that every Saturday, FOX's games nullify my MLB Extra Innings package, and I only get to see one of the 4 or 5 games they're choosing to broadcast. BOO!