We're officially past the halfway point of the baseball season. When October arrives, only one team will win it all, and the rest will be sent home sad (some sooner than others, REDS).

But this isn't October- it's July. And in July, like in Little League, everyone's (still) a winner. So just like Little League, I'm gonna give out awards to someone or something on every team. Everyone takes home a trophy!

AL EAST

"Best Job Vacancy"
Baltimore Orioles
Now's your chance to be the manager of an (alleged) major league baseball team!

"Best Set-Up Man"
Boston Red Sox
While everyone was busy paying attention to Dice-K, Okajima quietly because the star of the show.

"Biggest Attention Whores"
New York Yankees
Clemens returns, Stray-Rod's adventures, Giambi and steroids... just another season of Yankee-fixation in the media.

"Best Text Messaging"
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
For outstanding excellence in the field of picture texts, Elijah Dukes... come on down!

"Outstanding Fan Relations"
Toronto Blue Jays
Dear Mr. Wells - we'll display this award for you on the wall of the gas station we work in. From your favorite hecklers

AL CENTRAL

"#1 No-Hitter"
Chicago White Sox
Sorry Verlander & McGowan - Buehrle did it first. Plus, they don't really have much else going for them.

"Best Jo Jo Imitation"
Cleveland Indians
Like in the Beatles song, the Indians have rebounded from the '06 season, and are back to where they once belonged (with '05-like form).

"Award of Distinction in Racial Relations"
Detroit Tigers
To Gary Sheffield, for advancing harmony betwixt the many different peoples of the MLB.

"Best New Team"
Kansas City Royals
What? The Royals have been around for years? Huh. Never would have guessed.

"James Coney Island Award"
Minnesota Twins
For taking all Twin Cities fans on one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

AL WEST

"Best of the Best" (Grudgingly)
Anaheim Angels
Despite my extreme indifference, and the taint of Disney, I have to reluctantly give props to the Angels-- who have put together a hodgepodge squad that's playing powerhouse ball.

"Mark Prior Honorary Award"
Oakland Athletics
Narrowly beating out the Phillies bullpen, the A's claim the award for dealing (quite well) with a neverending march of injuries.

"The Dark Horse Award"
Seattle Mariners
Who (outside of Mariners fans) thought that Seattle would emerge as an actual, bona fide contender?

"Best Comeback Despite Shitty Team"
Texas Rangers
Sammy Sosa has excelled in spite of the Rangers staff that surrounds him- not because of.

NL EAST

"Most Cantankerous Old Coot"
Atlanta Braves
No, not Smoltz- it's Chipper Jones. If it's not his tiff with Smoltz, it's his tiff with Interleague play. Or his tiff with his own breaking-down body... which he keeps losing.

"Best Owner in Baseball"
Florida Marlins
For 14 years running... it's Jeffrey Loria! Devoted, caring, involved, and loyal.

"Most Shameful Secret"
New York Mets
There are many reasons I should hate the Mets- #1 the Phillies, #2 1986, #3 they're a NY team. But I don't. In spite of myself, I kind of like them.

"Best 9,999th Loss"
Philadelphia Phillies
The Phillies know how to live it up en route to 10,000. They've had plenty of practice in the art of losing.

"[Insert Award Name Here]"
Washington Nationals
They can't be bothered, I can't be bothered.

NL CENTRAL

"Golden Gloves Award"
Chicago Cubs
Piniella, Zambrano, Barrett and Lee add up to one fiery clubhouse.

"Best Baseball Name"
Cincinnati Reds
Homer Bailey is just a damned cool name (even for a pitcher).

"Most Annoying Ballpark Feature"
Houston Astros
Tal's Hill will see your ultra-tall wall, Fenway, and raise you a weirdly sloped hill with a flagpole smack in the middle.

"Outstanding Performance in a Daytime Drama"
Milwaukee Brewers
Somehow, it's actually believable that J.J. Hardy would be pregnant with Jeff Suppan's baby.

"Presidential Physical Fitness Award"
Pittsburgh Pirates
For providing fans with the opportunity to get up out of their seats and walkout during a baseball game.

"Spectacular Swan Dive"
St. Louis Cardinals
From World Series champion to a .471 record- the Cards know how to take a dive.

NL WEST

"Most Original Color Scheme"
Arizona Diamondbacks
Thank goodness they dump the turquoise and purple, in favor of that much nicer brick red, black and sand palette. Wait a minute- that looks awfully familiar...

"Best Un-Assisted Triple Play"
Colorado Rockies
Courtesy of one Troy Tulowitzki, rookie phenom.

"Outstanding Clothing Designer of 2007"
Los Angeles Dodgers
I give all credit (blame) to the Dodgers for spawning Alyssa Milano and her Touch clothing line.

"Best E.R.A."
San Diego Padres
Jake Peavy and Chris Young are unreal.

"Best Camouflage"
San Francisco Giants
Barry Bonds has perfected the art of drawing any and all media scrutiny away from his teammates and onto him. What- you thought that was accidental?