Hello, Kyle. We haven't met before- mostly because you played for the Reds, and I couldn't give a rat's ass about that team. You're not a bad-looking dude, even though you have some unfortunate facial hair choices (but I don't hold that against Aaron Rowand or Josh Beckett, so I'm not gonna hold it against you). There's the whole born-in-Chico thing, but I can get past that (and it's not like you were born in freakin' Arkansas like a certain slowcamotive leftfielder). Your name written out looks kind of like "Loser", which is not good- but pronounced like "Lowsh", which is better.

But here's what's troubling: your 6-12 record and 4.58 ERA scare me, dude. If I can be frank, they kind of make me think you might stink. Like, stink pretty bad. I know you played for Cincinnati, so it's not like you were getting a lot of offensive help-- but 6-12? That's pretty bad.

So I'm going to be in the bleachers at Wrigley Field today for your debut for Philly - it's a day game, and is going to be approximately 1,000 degrees out, and I will have been drinking for 2 hours beforehand, so I'm not sure I'll be the most coherent fan around... but I will be there. All I ask is that you don't completely suck. We bounced Coolerpants Durbin to add you to the starting five, and I'd just like you to do better than he did. Plus, it's not like the Phillies pitching staff is full of aces (minus Cole) that are hard to live up to... you just have to do kind of good. That's all I ask.

Deal?