Like most folks, I spent the majority of yesterday waiting in the Virtual Waiting Room trying to snag some Red Sox tickets, and came away completely emptyhanded. After 10+ hours of mind-numbing, soul-killing fruitless waiting, I've come to the conclusion that the waiting room to hell must look a lot like the Red Sox VWR.

And as Beth pointed out, take a closer look at what these Sox Pax are spelling out. I'm sure this no coincidence...

And to everyone lucky enough to get tickets: hooray and congratulations for outlasting the gauntlet of the Waiting Room From Hell. For the sanity of everyone who got nothing, please do not complain about how long you had to wait, or that you "just" got bleacher seats for Opening Day and Patriots Day Sox Pax, or how you "only" got the TGIF and Saturday Sox Pax. I would have been happy just to get one pair of tickets to one Tampa Bay game. Damn you, VWR!

At least some kids had fun during the ticket waiting yesterday- during the Christmas At Fenway event, Tito "Don't Call Me Coach, I'm the Manager" Francona gave some kids a mic and a chance to ask him questions:

A boy dressed in Red Sox attire asked the two-time champion skipper if the team would trade for Santana.

"Is Theo [Epstein]coming up here to answer questions?" Francona wondered. "You should save that one for him. If I answer that, I could get in trouble."

Another child asked why he wanted to trade rookie sensation Ellsbury.

"Again, ask Theo," Francona said. "I bet that one came from your parents."

The last question asked was by a little boy who wanted to know who Francona's favorite player was.

"Whoever is playing better that night," he said jokingly.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled baseball broadcast for a little bit of non-baseball news. I try to keep my talk about other sports to a minimum, but I needed to make a quick post to say...

WOOOHOOO!
Dallas Cowboys - NFC East Champions!

Jason Witten: you are lucky you (1) are so darned cute, and (2) caught the game-winning touchdown (with 18 seconds left!), because now I forgive you for fumbling the ball on the 1 yard-line.

John Kitna: I thought I saw you holler "goddamnit" on the sidelines when your kicker missed the FG. I don't think Jesus likes it when you swear.

Tony Romo: Brett Favre may be my all-time greatest sports crush, and the most perfect man to ever walk the planet... but you're my QB1.

(Good) Roy Williams, Cory Redding, Shaun Rogers: you may be Lions, but I still must give props to my Longhorns. Even when they wear the enemy colors.

(Evil) Roy Williams: you may be a Sooner, and therefore I will always call you Evil Roy Williams - but you and me? We're cool.

T.O.: you (and Randy Moss) are the reason football is so damned exciting. More TD catches and popcorn-chugging celebrations next time, please.

And now back to your regularly scheduled broadcasting...

As both a Sox fan and a Cubs fan, the Gagne-to-Milwaukee deal and the Hawkins-to-Yankees deal both bring me great joy this holiday season. They're the most awesome white elephant gifts ever - and by "most awesome", I mean "most awful".

Sox fans cringed everytime Eric Gagne took the mound, and I find it hilarious that the Brewers (the Cubs' division rival) are not only going to sign him, but pay him $10 million next year. And Gagne : Red Sox :: Hawkins : Cubs -- I cannot tell you the number of Cubs games I went to and witnessed yet another epic choke-job by LaTroy Hawkins. People that I'd sit next to out in the bleachers would wear Hawkins jerseys as an ironic statement about how much he sucked. At this point, I dislike both guys so much, it's gone beyond all logic and reason- I don't care what their stats are, Gagne and Hawkins will always represent "suck" to me.

Did somebody say they want a blown save? We're here to help!

Maybe these guys will both surprise me and do outstanding with their new clubs. But I doubt it... and it's going to be HIGH COMEDY to watch them try.

Couldn't happen to two nicer ballclubs.

They've only announced one of the This Year In Baseball Awards so far, and already it's clear that the public knows a good pitcher when they see it. Congratulations to Josh Beckett- the 2007 Starting Pitcher of the Year. Out of a field of 10 candidates, Josh snagged an overwhelming 35.5% of the vote- the next closest was Jake Peavy, at 19.4%. Yankees fans managed to somehow get Wang up to 3rd, over C.C. Sabathia at 4th.

When reached for comment, Josh said, "[insert reference to executing pitches here]" and "[insert reference to owing it all to his teammates here]" and "[insert random cussword here]".

David Ortiz appeared on "Costas Now" on HBO last week, for a sit-down interview with Bob Costas. Costas has an earnest eagerness that borders on annoying on occasion, but the vast majority of the time he has an excellent way of asking random questions that give you rare insight into athletes... and this interview is no exception.

Costas asks Papi about his constant chattering out on the basepaths- and Papi says he talks about anything, mostly baseball, but he'll talk about anything. Papi says that sometimes guys will try and focus on what's going on between the pitcher and batter... but they'll still end up talking to him anyway because he's "like a dessert". More specifically, "chocolate thunder dessert".

I am calling him Chocolate Thunder Dessert from now on.

He talks about the Dominican Republic, and the important role baseball plays in everyday life for all kids around the Dominican. "We got [baseball] in our blood", he says- that baseball is the national pasttime there, and there's not even a close second.

They also talk about Papi's boundless enthusiasm and love for the game- and his constant joking and pranks. Torii Hunter makes an appearance to talk about his old pal Papi, and says, "When he walks in a room full of people, he will light up that room because he comes in with that big smile."

Papi (and Torii) talks about the time Twins' teammate Corey put peanut butter - smooth, not chunky - in his underwear, and he didn't realize it all while he was putting on his pants and jersey... until he got to the door of the clubhouse, and then hollered, "Wait a minute! Something's not right!" and then went chasing after Corey. Torii says Papi pulled his pants down, looked down and said, "Did I boo-boo on myself?"

Torii also says, about the Twins releasing Papi, "I think that's the biggest mistake the Twins ever made. Ever. They made a lot-- but that was the biggest ever." Indeed- thank you, Twins. But Torii wasn't done with his praise for David, he later says, "David Ortiz is definitely worth loving. If you want to be like somebody, kids, be like David Ortiz. Have fun with the game, play hard... and hit homers in a clutch situation." Torii Hunter, I like you a lot.

Here's full video of the whole interview:

Anything Josh can do, Jonathan can do... better? Yesterday, Josh notched up the 2007 Starter of the Year Award from the annual This Year In Baseball Awards- and today, it's Jonathan's turn. Say hello to your 2007 Closer of the Year.

Jonathan snagged an overwhelming 38.1% of the public vote, outdistancing the other nine candidates for the award- including second place vote-getter Bobby Jenks (26%). Third place honors went to J.J. Putz, and Takashi Saito came in fourth.

Anyone else bet that Josh got a text message earlier this morning saying something like, "GOT ONE, TOO, OLD MAN"?

The Mitchell Report is coming!
The Mitchell Report is coming!

We need our own modern day Paul Revere- except it's more like: one if fewer than twenty names, two if more than twenty names.

The New York Times is reporting that the Report will name FIFTY active and former baseball players, which is quite a bit more than previously expected. That also sounds like there won't just be free agents on the list, so anyone is fair game. The waiting is over at 2 p.m. Eastern tomorrow- when Mitchell will hold his press conference to release the results.

So, place your bets now... who do you think will be on the list?

Nooooooooooooooo! Are you telling me the days of Aaron "Bacon Pants" Rowand running around the CBP outfield in blood pinstripes, crashing into walls and making ridiculous diving grabs are over? That he and his "BEER PONG CHAMP" sweatbands are headed to the left coast... to a team that's not even a contender? That one of my top 3 favorite players in all of major league baseball is going to be playing for a team that I could not care less about?

Oh, Bacon Pants. Now who am I supposed to have as my favorite Phillie? I have to go back to having Pat Burrell as my #1 Philly guy. That's just wrong.

We're about 2 1/2 hours away from the Mitchell bombshell - and already reports are trickling out about who may or may not be on THE LIST. This will be our open thread for today- feel free to stop in and post your thoughts or rumors or whatever else you feel like. Cries of anguish, squeals of schadenfreude-listic glee... whatever.

Just about every credible news source is reporting that Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte will be on there- which is surprising to just about no one.

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How about something that has absolutely nothing to do with steroids, steroids taken by Barry Bonds, steroids sold to Paul LoDuca or steroids injected into Roger Clemens's butt?

It's time for another new installment of Random Sox Theatre.

Beckett has his deer hunting, Wakefield and Timlin have their bows, but Jonathan Papelbon has his moose hunting. Back in November of 2006, NESN very wisely gave Papelbon a hand-held camera to take along on a moose hunt he did up in Maine for charity. And as you might imagine, it is nigh impossible to give Papelbon a camera and not have the results be fascinating.

Here's video shot by Papelbon out in the wilds of Maine:

And if you'd like more backstory on the hunt, after the jump I've got video from Tina Cervasio explaining more about what Jonathan was doing up there and what went on.

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Clay Buchholz was not going to sit back and watch idly as first Josh Beckett and then Jonathan Papelbon won This Year In Baseball Awards. After hearing Josh's bragging about being "the only Texan to win" and Jonathan crowing he was "the youngest winner", Clay had enough... and went and won himself the 2007 Performance of the Year Award for his no-hitter.

With a runaway 35.4% of the vote, Clay easily beat second place vote-getter Justin Verlander (21%) and third place Mark Buehrle (11.5%). All three of the top finishers were no-hitters.

Appearing on that first baseball card is the dream of every ballplayer from the time they start whacking at balls on a tee. I'd imagine the vast majority of them stood in front of a mirror at least once and practiced the poses they'd throw down for Topps or Donruss.

Unfortunately, however, most ballplayers' rookie cards don't stand the test of time-- and the Red Sox are no exception. What was "stylish and cool" 5, 10, 15 years ago turns into "hilarious and embarrassing" when viewed today.

So let's take a journey back in time to the rookie days of the current Sox players- and hand out a few superlatives. Our newest rookies are disqualified by virtue of their rookie cards being entirely too new to make fun of.

The Smooth Operators
First up: If rookie cards attended high school, these rookie cards would be the coolest guys in school. Here are the suavest Sox rooks around, from #5 to #1...

#5 - Doug Mirabelli

With that steely blue glaze, Dougie Fresh is all cool- and the glamour shots-esque pose just radiates awesome.

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