The White Sox opened up the home and visitor's clubhouses at U.S. Cellular Field this weekend as part of a merchandise sale for White Sox Charities. They very cleverly hung the merchandise up for sale actually inside the guys' lockers, so you were shopping inside the clubhouse- pretty nifty little idea. I went on Saturday with friends of mine who are big White Sox fans, born and raised. Any baseball contact is welcome relief -- and I always have had a soft spot for the Palehose.

1. Breathe in the (imagined) stench of the air- it still smells like A.J. Pierzynski** in there. Realize that, as you might expect, AJ smells like Ben Gay and vomit. Realize AJ might be MADE of Ben Gay and vomit- it would explain a lot of his behavior problems.

2. Try and figure out which empty locker belonged to Scott Podsednik. Briefly contemplate how awesome it would be to have been that locker. Shed a tear at the loss of his sweet ass from the diamond in Chicago.

3. Try and figure out which empty locker belonged to Jon Garland. Notice that Cabrera's new name plate is not up yet. Wonder whether his old locker will be automatically assigned to Cabrera, and if they'll just put some masking tape up and write CABRERA in Sharpie on there.

4. Test the door leading directly out into the dugout... just in case. Find it is locked.

5. Watch a friend write your name, and your friends' names, on the giant starting lineup whiteboard on the wall. None of the White Sox people stop you. See that your friend is batting you in the 3-hole. Congratulate self on being a power hitter. Leave your names up there.

6. Ponder who on the team is a Florida Gators fan, and therefore responsible for the giant Gators football helmet on top of the flatscreen TV. Realize it's AJ Pierzynski. Hate Florida even more than you already do.

7. Ponder who is the Steelers fan and the Eagles fan on the team, responsible for those helmets next to the TV. Wonder why only 3 guys get their football helmets up there.

8. Notice a tiny Stanley Cup replica trophy. Awww, hockey is so cute!

9. Watch some of the Army-Navy game on the players' big flat screen. Wish you had a beer.

10. Cautiously approach AJ's locker. Your friend somehow convinces you to get inside the locker with her for a picture, with that big AJ PIERZYNSKI nameplate over your heads. Attempt to fight back the bile rising in your throat as you touch the locker. Wonder when that photo is going to show back up as blackmail material. Notice that two girls can fit comfortably inside his locker. Decide this is probably not the first time a ballplayer's locker has had two girls inside it.

11. Restrain your friend from leaving her name and number tacked to the players' bulletin board.

12. Go into the visitor's clubhouse and think of all the players that have been in there. Wonder whether you could hide in the back room until April.

** Except A.J. Pierzynski. There are three guys in baseball I hate: Barry Bonds, A-Rod and A.J. Pierzynski. I very (not) cleverly call him "A.J. Peniszynski". I also write that name in on my White Sox friends' scorecards when they're not looking.