Richard Simmons and Jane Fonda don't have a thing on Jason Varitek. He's invented a new kind of workout regimen - half football linebacker blocking, half weird yoga posing - that's guaranteed to really make you feel the burn... in just 5 simple steps!

Step 1: Snag a throw in from the outfield.
Step 2: Block home plate, while a baserunner barrels full steam ahead right at you.
Step 3: Collision!
Step 4: Go ass-over-teakettle.
Step 5: Hold on to the ball. Get the out.

If you can master those five steps, you'll earn all the benefits of the Jason Varitek Workout -- namely, helping captain your team to an extra-innings victory over the St. Louis Cardinals, avoiding a series sweep, and maintaining your team's lead in the AL East. Definitely better than Sweatin' To The Oldies.

In which I highlight noteworthy blogs for you to gather reconnaissance on the Red Sox upcoming opponent. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

AZ Snakepit: SBN site that's updated daily with all the latest news & happenings Chicks Dig The Long Ball: the Dbacks from a female perspective, and loaded with humor Diamondhacks: insightful analysis on the Dbacks - and on baseball in general Out In The Desert: MVN network site, news and analysis with a twist of humor

Baseball vs. Football has never been so clearly defined - or so funny - as when Carlin did it.

A pitchers' duel is way more fun when your pitcher is the one who emerges victorious. Josh Beckett sledgehammered his way through 8 innings, striking out 8 batters -- and only running into trouble in the 7th with a pair of walks, a pair of hits and a pair of earned runs. Unfortunately, Arizona's Dan Haren was just as filthy, blanking the Sox for 7 innings completely... and the Sox weren't able to muster enough runs against the Zona pen.

At least fans at Fenway once again were treated to (distracted by?) the dulcet tones of Milli Vanilli, and the lip synching stylings of Jonathan Papelbon and Manny Delcarmen. Before the game, both of the guys talked a little about what went into making the video:

But that's not the full story.

It was only later that Manny revealed that he and Papelbon got roped into doing the stunt because someone in the bullpen - on a dare - threw a baseball at a videocamera and broke the lens... and the pen blamed it on Papelbon (of course). So the music video was to compensate the Fenway Park folks for the busted camera.

At this point, with all the crazy antics Papelbon's gotten up to, he's going to get blamed anytime anything bad happens. Something's broken? Papelbon did it. Something goes missing? Papelbon's dog ate it. Someone was spotted wearing a black lace shirt and/or a Budweiser box on their head and dancing around? Had to be Papelbon. He only has himself to blame.

It's been an eventful couple of days for Kevin Youkilis.

On Sunday, most of New England awoke to find Youk looking back at them from the morning paper as the pitchman for B&M Beans. Even better, that wakeup call was delivered with a timeless photo of Youk opening wide to shovel some baked beans in his mouth. His eyes say, "I am just so thrilled to be taking this picture right now."

Then on Sunday night, with those magic B&M beans fueling him, Youk played the hero - blasting both a single-shot homerun in the 7th AND a walkoff 2-run homer in the 13th to lift the Sox to their first win of the series over the Cardinals.

The luck of the magic beans ran out yesterday, though. During a break in the action between the 4th and 5th innings against Arizona last night, Mike Lowell and Youk's standard warmup game of catch took a nasty black-and-blue turn when a ball tossed by Lowell took a bad hop, skip and a jump... right up into Youk's face.

Even though the battle scar looks something awful (it looks like he came out on the losing end of another dugout scrabble), Youk's precautionary CT scan ran clean. He'll be evaluated at the ballpark a little later today to determine what's next and when he can play again.

Youk was, of course, fired up last night and didn't want to leave the game despite the large swollen shiner puffing up on his face-- especially since there was no one immediately available behind him on the depth chart. Bench backup Sean Casey, in a tastily ironic twist of timing, dropped the appeal of his suspension for Fight Night 2008 earlier yesterday -- and so Sean was unavailable to step in.

Instead, they had to turn to minor league callup (and resident cutie patootie) Brandon Moss- in his first major league start at 1st base. But the rollercoaster ride continued when Brandon bobbled a routine grounder, allowing the winning run for the Dbacks to score in the process. Brandon took on all the heat for the misplay:

"It was a candy hop I got," he said. "It couldn't have been an easier grounder to field. It was right to me. I tried to do too much too soon. It's a shame the game turned out the way it did. It ended up being the freaking winning run. That's my responsibility."

I think the real problem is he hasn't fully mastered the Youkilis look yet. He's got the bald thing working, and the beginnings of a fine chin beard... but it's got a long way to go until that reaches Youk-like proportions.

Hat tip to Surviving Grady for both the Youk scan and Youk screencap. They are wizards with those.

Sox fans have been deprived of the sight of a big David Ortiz grin from the diamond. So while we wait for his return, I thought it was high time for a little Big Papi collection of goodness.

First up, Papi was at the Prudential the other day to dole out some free ice cream and generally look dapper in a chapeau and smart button-down.

It was also announced today that Big Papi will be one of the presenters at the ESPY Awards on ESPN on July 20th, along with David Beckham, Steve Nash, Danica Patrick, Lance Armstrong, Annika Sorenstam... and Brendan Fraser. One of these things is not like the other...

And finally, just because, this picture- which is awesome:

The summer's hottest new fashion trend... oh-so-hip orange protective glasses. All the cool kids are wearing them.

After seeing an eye specialist earlier in the day, Kevin Youkilis and his watery and swollen eye weren't ready to swing a bat at the plate - but he did make it into the game in the 9th as a defensive replacement.

Thankfully, Jason Varitek and Mike Lowell didn't need any orange-colored glasses to see the ball well, and drive in some runs for the come-from-behind victory over the Diamondbacks.

You just know Papi's kicking himself that he missed out on orange goggle day. Except that his pair would've been bedazzled somehow.

With deepest apologies to Joyce Kilmer.

This will most likely be the only time you'll ever see me post anything about NASCAR - despite what ESPN would like us to believe, it is NOT a sport - but lord knows that if a Sox player is involved, I can be convinced to care about almost anything.

Yesterday at Fenway was a big ol' Roush Fenway Racing corporate synergy and product placement extravaganza - which included bringing out several of the team drivers in the back of a pickup truck filled with little kids (no, I swear) and draping a giant checkered flag over the Monster (emblazoned with the corporate logos, of course). Unfortunately, this also lead to another day of less-than-fascinating in-booth interviews during the game... but fortunately, it meant there was an excuse for Jon Lester to be interviewed on ESPN's NASCAR news show.

Of course, this wasn't the first time the Red Sox and Roush Fenway Racing teamed up for some mutual self-promotion and corporate synergy -- back in February of last year, Josh Beckett, Mike Timlin and Tim Wakefield all made an appearance in Daytona, Florida to help announce the Roush/Fenway partnership. Which gives me a perfect excuse to post pictures of that event.

Josh Beckett in cowboy boots for the win!

There is a serious epidemic the Red Sox are facing. Something that's threatening their ability to succeed and win games, something that is spiraling out of control. No, I'm not talking about shortstop errors (although those don't seem to be abating)... I'm talking about Sox-on-Sox crime.

First it was shady Mike Lowell, with that totally unprovoked simple warmup ground hopper that viciously turned on and attacked Kevin Youkilis on Monday.

Now, it's troublemaker Sean Casey. It was revealed that last weekend, Mr. Casey perpetuated a despicable act of violence against one of his own teammates:

When Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon walks by with a huge bruise on his right arm, it's very difficult not to notice.

In the clubhouse this afternoon the right-hander, who earned his 22nd save of the season on Tuesday, said he was hit by a line drive off the bat of Sean Casey during batting practice last Saturday.

Stop the madness! End the Sox-on-Sox crime!

In which I highlight noteworthy blogs for you to gather reconnaissance on the Red Sox upcoming opponent. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Astros Dugout: MVN network site, chock full of news and analysis - with a twist of humor Crawfish Boxes: premier SBN site that's updated daily with all the latest news & happenings I Remember Dome Dogs: two devoted Stros fans pontificate on all things Astro Spikes n Stars: formerly OrangeWhoopass, kickass Astros fan community with blog and messageboard

It may not be Friday the 13th, but we should all beware anyway... of the Curse Of The Astros.

It started less than two weeks ago, when the Yankees faced the Astros in interleague play and ace pitcher Chien-Ming Wang sprained his foot while running the bases. Then, during the Astros interleague matchup yesterday against the Rangers, Texas superstar Josh Hamilton injured his hand when he was hit by a pitch.

The Astros facing off against interleague opponents is producing a spate of minor disasters -- even Houston's own clubhouse isn't immune from the curse.

We can only cross our fingers and beseech the benevolent Jobu that the Curse Of The Astros will be lifted, and Red Sox escape from this weekend's series in Houston unscathed.